Finding myself… Missing myself


I love my new-found spirituality!

Who would have thought I would find myself in Haiti?!

Learning to appreciate myself, give service whole heartedly, smile freely, laugh freely… Finding happiness within my humble surroundings.

And my surroundings is the spiritual environment of the Sathya Sai Baba centre in Port-au-Prince which provides food for 2000 children living in various camps each day. Volunteering here has been more fulfilling than I could have ever imagined.


However despite finding myself… I’m now finding I’m missing myself!

Perhaps it’s due to the weekend drawing closer that I’m starting to crave the fun-loving Kai… The Kai ‘on a good day‘ (and night come to think of it)!

Can spirituality and social night life go hand in hand?

Since being in Haiti I haven’t had the ‘pleasure’ of exploring the night life. Anyone who knows me will agree this is unlike me! No, finding spirituality hasn’t diminished my urge to hit the town at night… The foundations I typically explore in every city I visit- the dance floor!

However there are many factors that have hindered my chances of exploring the social scene since my arrival from the Dominican Republic almost one month ago.

First is security. It goes without saying that Port-au-Prince isn’t the safest of cities for me to venture around alone at night. So when I got an invite from a female couchsurfer to join her and some friends for drinks, of course I was all up for it! But when she said I should jump on a moto-taxi (at 11pm)?!… Lets just say I cherish my life more than sipping on beers all night! I’m not desperate, so- thanks but no thanks!!

Another factor is that the city doesn’t have a taxi system! There are NO taxis! It took me a while to notice this, let alone register it… There-are-no-taxis?… My independence is stripped! I am reliant on others to take me out…

And the one time tee-total Shanti Paudel, a journalist and one of the coordinators of the centre, kindly offered to take me out for a drink last sunday, that was when the streets of Pention-ville were uncannyingly silent… There had been a drive-by shooting of a police man just an hour before we arrived. All the pubs and drinking spots were closed… (Though the strip clubs were still running- typical)! So I ended up sitting in the car sipping on my first Prestige beer, in the not so prestige settings of a petrol (gas) station.

Cheers to the weekend… One that wasn’t meant to be!

“It wasn’t meant to be” Shanti calmly explained.

Of course it wasn’t! What are the chances a cop gets shot on the night I finally hit town?! I’m learning that God’s mysterious ways can also work against my wishes (I can’t always have it my way)!

So for over three weeks since I’ve been here I haven’t experienced the night life. If I wasn’t content with the spiritual experience I am encountering, I would have asked myself; “What am I? A nun?!”

No, I’m not a nun, neither do I want to be one. I’m just a young woman who would like to adapt spirituality into my routine- not just during my travels. To enhance myself in every way possible. Because surely there has to be more to life then just breathing and being!… And there is indeed! I have felt the power of knowing God… Of knowing my worthiness. How do I incorporate this divinity into my everyday life? I’m not trying to change drastically or be confined to a monastery… That would be a lie to myself…

So despite finding myself in Haiti… I’m missing myself elsewhere!

I miss the fun-loving Kai that straps on her high heels and walks tall with confidence…

I miss the Kai who’s first on the dance floor…

The Kai who paints her lips red (and the town to match)

And the girl who can’t say no to an innocent glass of bubbly for good-times sake (always drink responsibly)!

The Kai who ‘flaunts it coz she has it!’

The one you’d better approach with caution… Otherwise don’t approach at all!

The one who attracts like-minded positive people (even on a night out!)

This is partly who I am… And I could never completely get ride of these traits. Nor am I willing to because we are in this wonderful world to indulge in its beauty… To heighten our senses by every sight, every touch, every taste and sound.

I’m not willing to say good-bye to her… My outer ego who twists things up a notch!

With her life is spontaneous…

Life is unpredictable…

Life is good…

And life is fun!

Surely I can still be me and have spirituality?…

Like with Yoga, the balance needs to be right!…

My journey continues!

Share your thoughts in the comment box below please 🙂

Finding me... Missing me 2
Finding me… Missing me 2


12 thoughts on “Finding myself… Missing myself

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  1. The title is SO spot on! I feel the same exact way. Every city I visit I MUST check out the nightlife, & if there’s only one bar, take me to that bar! HaHa Being back home in the USA, I always went out to different types of clubs to dance and meet up with peoples for drinks. While my social life wasn’t all out crazy, I enjoyed the routine I had. Now that I’m here volunteering, that routine isn’t regular at all. Yes, I am focused on what I came here to do but I always find myself missing the me that likes to just let go, go out and dance.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Deejay,

      I’m glad my point came across well. I was worried I would sound like some spoilt ungrateful foreigner who needs to get drunk every weekend! Like yourself, my social life back home isn’t all out crazy either.

      Thanks for sharing your experience! I might be travelling back though Santo Domingo next week. Would be great to finally meet up. I’ll let you know my plans.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Speaking of safety…as a women and black women, what safety precautions to you take when you are travelling. I want to travel as well. But the places I want to travel have a reputation of being unsafe such as Brazil (perhaps even more so for women) and I guess other parts of Latin America and parts of Africa. With the world cup on it’s way and the Olympics Brazil has been on the no no list because of the illicit activity going on during those functions. Your thoughts?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Sarah,

      thanks passing through 🙂

      Firstly I think it’s a good thing that you take your safety precautions seriously. Just one bad incident can ruin your experience. I think it’s important to listen to your instincts- your gut instincts.

      However you can’t always listen to everything people say. At one point or another you’ll just have to find out for yourself. Be smart and know your limits.

      Try building up your confidence by travelling to a neighboring country, a country that is english speaking, or visiting someone you know in a foriegn country.

      I was in Brazil for three months, and dispite having some friends there, I was left alone most of the time. That forced me to get out and meet people. But that’s my character and I enjoying getting to know the culture of the country through its people.

      Another suggestion is to try social media travel sites such as or to connect with someone before you travel. Always read their references, and again follow our gut instincts. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

      You can meet many travellers in hostels when you travel. So you don’t have to feel completely alone. However I think it really depends on what you want to get out from your travels.

      If you really want to travel, you should follow your heart. But do so wisely. Don’t get swayed into the notion of being a ‘free-spirit’ before you’ve built up your confidence in taking the little steps.

      Liked by 1 person

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